A Real Man
by ddpjclaf
Summary: Jace's POV after his and Clary's kiss in the Seelie Court in COA.


****All characters are the property of Cassandra Clare****

_This is my first fanfic. Jace's character fascinates me (as he does many, I'm sure ;) ) so, after reading COA, and the scene in Jace's bedroom after the kiss in the Seelie Court, I wondered what might be going through Jace's mind. I decided to go for it and see what he told me! Hope you enjoy!_

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The face that stared out from the swipe I'd made in the steam covered mirror didn't belong to me. I was hard, a man—not this soft marshmallow of a boy who looked back at me. He may have had the same golden eyes and too-long blond hair that stubbornly insisted on curling tighter in the humidity, but stunning good looks aside, that's where the similarities ended. I didn't _feel_ things, and if I ever made the mistake of starting too, I certainly wouldn't let it show like this poor fool.

I stared back at the face, willing the pain that seared through its identical eyes to recede, to go back inside and hide itself once again. Father was right about one thing, to love _was_ to destroy. My hands curled into fists at my side. Why, out of all his teachings, was that the one thing I'd chosen to ignore? Why had I let her in?

She'd touched something in me, something my father thought he'd beaten out of me all those years ago. Something I never thought existed in me at all. She did it. This was all her fault. If she hadn't followed that filthy demon at Pandemonium, maybe we never would have crossed paths. And now . . . now it was too late.

I clutched the edge of the sink, bent my head and took in a few deep breaths, willing the pain away. No matter what I did, it was still there. The bleeding hole she'd punched through my chest when she said those words. The words that let me know exactly what she thought of how I felt about her.

I made her sick. My thoughts. My feelings. She didn't want to hear it or acknowledge it. Forgetting whatever it was we felt was all she wanted now.

For so long, I'd hidden behind sarcastic innuendos and narcissistic remarks, shielding what really lay inside. A scared and lonely, weak little boy. Until her. I'd abandoned all my beliefs and let myself feel for her—something I'd never make the mistake of doing again.

After gathering my clothes, throwing them in the hamper, and hanging my towel on the steel rack, I turned back to the mirror. I practiced hardening my face, hiding all emotion from my eyes. She'd never see it again. I'd go back to being the Jace I'd been before her. The one who's only passion was hunting demons and chasing the occasional downworlder chick. No more declarations of feelings or any other such idiocy. It was the old me from this moment forward. Whatever voodoo she'd worked on me was over now.

I placed my hand on the knob, steeled myself against the flare of emotion I was sure would accompany the first meeting of her eyes and pushed the door open. My heart sputtered to a near stop in my chest. Her tiny frame lay curled up on my bed, her eyes closed and her mouth slightly open. In her arms, she clutched my shirt. Tendrils of fire splayed over my pillow and spilled onto her face, making it appear more fragile and angelic than normal. Flares of sickening longing shot through me. I stepped up beside her and stared down, my fingers itching to move the curl obscuring my full view.

Instead, I moved across the room and sat in the chair near the wall. Watching her from a safe distance, I realized I was fooling myself. The old Jace didn't exist anymore, not for real. Sure, I could pretend, and I would. But there was no going back, not for me, not ever. As sick as it was, I didn't care if she was my sister. She didn't_ feel_ like my sister—Izzy felt like my sister. Clary felt like—something else entirely. I wasn't stupid enough to think there was really a way to be together, but I couldn't stop the desire flaring up inside me. She'd stolen a part of me and irrevocably changed it.

I wanted her in a way no brother should want his sister. As much as I tried to play it off as having no choice, when the Seelie Queen made us kiss, it was like the heavens opened up and finally gave me a reward for everything I'd done for them. Finally gave me a reason to live besides ridding the world of demonic filth. At that moment, I hadn't cared about the faeries looking on or the stare of her mundane burning into my back. The only thing that mattered was the feel of her in my arms, the taste of her on my lips. And she'd responded. She didn't stand there stiff and impassive, she didn't push me away, she melted into me. She allowed herself to fall just as I had.

But she was right, it was wrong. It was sick. _I_ was sick. Because if she wanted me to, I would abandon all my good sense and go with her. It was only her will that kept me back. Of course, there was no way I would let her know that. If it was only a brother she wanted, it was only a brother she'd get.

A glint from the table near the head of the bed caught my eye. I rose from the chair and moved quietly toward it. Pausing, I reached down and touched my fingers to the shard of glass lying on the smooth wood. I picked it up and turned it over. Bright sapphire blue and emerald green shone out from the piece of mirror. Idris. Home. I rotated the shard in every direction, trying desperately to see something, anything, but the only glimpse it gave me was of the impossibly blue sky and lush green leaves.

A soft sigh drew my attention back to Clary. Her mouth curled into a small smile and quiet, mumbled words escaped from her lips. I bent down and placed my ear close to her, trying to hear what occupied her dreams.

"Jace," she whispered, her voice thick with sleep. A line formed between her brows and the smile faded from her lips. "Jace."

I sucked in a sharp breath. Pain shot through me, followed by an icy chill. This beautiful, innocent creature was dreaming of me. She felt things for me that she shouldn't either, and that sickened her just as much as my feelings did. As much as it killed me, I knew she was right. It was time for me, Jace Wayland, to think about someone else for a change—even if she didn't know it.

Bending down, I placed my lips against her forehead and whispered, "Okay, Clary. Okay. I'll be your brother. Just your brother."

She stirred under my touch. I pulled away, fixed my face into the cocky expression most expected of me and effectively walled up my heart. If indifference was the way to shield us both, then it was what I would show.

I turned and made my way back to the chair against the wall. Just as I sat, she bolted up in bed, looking dazed and momentarily confused about where she was. My heart constricted for one second before I regained control.

When her eyes met mine, I felt my resolve melting around me. Fighting against a power outside of my control, I managed to keep the walls intact. I wouldn't allow the weakness she caused in me to surface again. I wouldn't allow myself to _feel_ anything I wasn't supposed to feel for her. Not now. Not ever.


End file.
